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You Didn’t Grow Up in the 80’s

nc80sstuff_80sAh, the 80’s.  While looking cheerfully upon that time period I remember that everything was cool.  It didn’t matter what you wore, what your hair looked like or what music you listened to; you were still cool.  Everything was cool.  There is a rule of thumb apparently that in order to have grown up in the 80’s you needed to have been a teenager at the time.  Occasionally I meet people and have the proverbial ’80’s’ conversation and every now and then I meet someone who is just a bit older than me and during this conversation I am always asked when I was born to which I respond, “1978.”

“You didn’t really grow up in the 80’s.”

“What do you mean?” I scoff.

“You had to have been in high school to have grown up in the 80’s.”

“I’m sorry.  You clearly have the wrong impression about me.  Just because I wasn’t a 19 year old with a multi-colored 79 Camaro with T-tops, a 12 year old girfriend and a penchant for blow, doesn’t mean I didn’t grow up in the 80’s,” I assert.

“That’s not it at all.  You just don’t understand because you. . .You didn’t have any siblings either? No, you didn’t grow up in the 80’s.”

“What the fuck? My parents took me to see ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ in theaters when I was 3 years old.  I watched A-Team, He-Man, Gremlins, Transformers, ALF and loved watching breakdancing.  I can remember when MTV was first on air and when Michael Jackson’s Thriller first came out.  My cousins and I all had cut off T-shirts and the gloves with the fingers cut off and the mesh on the back side.  WE HAD FEATHERED HAIR!” I retort not so calmly.

“I bet you didn’t go to any concerts in the 80’s.”

“No, I was too busy eating Count Chocula, drinking Kool Aid when it was Kool, playing with Enertech squirt guns, and riding my big wheels around.  So what decade did I grow up in then? What is the cutoff? And when were you born?” I ask.

“76.”

Suffering from some latent cocaine induced psychosis, this individual and many like him have argued with me that I was not in fact a product of the 80’s.  As a result, I have theorized that many individuals suffered 80’s overindulgence and were not able make any forward mental progress from the decade.  They changed their hairstyles and clothes to avoid ridicule but one factor remains.  They actually grew up in the 80’s.  Bystanders such as myself are to eternally suffer the pang of never having had a decade to call our own.  I am stuck in a decade purgatory with noboby to commisterate and my wife is 6 years younger than me so she doesn’t even like the 80’s.  Of course, she was born in 84′ which is sort of the halfway point but she had a brother and sister who were in high school  at the time.  Also, anyone who grew up in Rockford, IL knows that the 80’s carried well into the 90’s so according to some of the 80’s officals, my wife did in fact grow up in the 80’s, but not me.  Petitioning the 80’s board is my next course of action, otherwise it is apparent that I grew up in the 90’s, which I don’t remember much of due to copious amounts of marijuana and alcohol.

I Got Cash Man!

Craigslist.com is the shit! I have actually made ends meet selling stuff I didn’t need (and sometimes stuff I didn’t want to sell) on this website.  This website has single handedly seen a serial killer, gotten millions of people laid, and has effectively cut out E-bay as a second party money vampire.  Over the years I have sold so many things on this site that my wife calls me the Craigslist King! That’s right.

Anyway, one of my favorite sayings from potential buyers is, “I got cash!”

For instance, when I put my van up for sale for $1500 obo and received a call I was excited until the man asked me, “Will you take $500? I got cash.”got cash

Let us take a look at what that means even.  I truly believe that it is all subliminal and makes the seller really think out the situation.  So as a seller, my potential buyer holds all the cards and now my mind is whirling with thoughts of what other potential buyers bring to the table.  What if someone only offers me a collection of beanie babies, a rubber band ball, or an old bloodstained pair of Adidas shoes? This may very well be my best offer.  Now, having piqued my curiousity I must see this ‘cash’ that this man possesses.  Wait, no, he is only the first caller.  “I’m sorry,” I say trying to be polite, “I just put this ad up.”

“Well, let me know if you change your mind.  I’ve got cash in hand, today.”

Damn! Cash in hand today! Okay, well if I don’t hear back from anyone I have his number written down and will certainly have to consider his offer of cash.

What is the alternative if nobody else in the area has cash? I didn’t put the ad in the ‘Barter’ section so what would someone else have the audacity to offer me? A personal check? A money order? Or worst of all, a Cashiers check? These promissory notes are only that; false promises to give me legal tender for my prized possessions.

I certainly don’t want any false promises, nor do I want a potentially mildew stricken collection of dusty beanie babies; and all those rubber bands will last me the rest of my life and the blood on the Adidas will probably wash off even though they don’t fit.  Now the voices in my head are certainly telling me that this offer of ‘cash’ will be by far a head above the rest.  Okay, where is his number? He should be home, he only called me 5 minutes ago.  I will sell it to him for ‘cash’ and will not have to worry about the issue any more.

My Wife is Hot

That really is my wife

The title says it all.  I wasn’t kidding and that is not a random picture that was found on the internet.  That is the gullible vixen whom I tricked into marrying me and having 2 of my children.  Don’t get me wrong, she is incredibly intelligent, but all women are gullible to a degree and I think they have to be, otherwise most American men would relegated to watching porn and making drain babies. Since I was never the ‘bad boy’ that all women wanted to date and am not the ‘good guy’ that ends up getting the girl, I had to create my own appeal.  It is called get her drunk and get her pregnant.  How else could someone like me land someone so attractive?Aside from being super hot she is also super smart, so there is really no tricking her and no matter what I say, maxing out a credit card at a gun shop is not a ‘fantastic idea’.  I didn’t really sign up for that because what I really need is someone who says in a meek voice “yes honey, $10,000 worth of firearms and ammo would be a fantastic idea!” and then bring me one of my favorite beers.  Instead she is super smart and says “not only are you not buying $10,ooo0 worth of firearms and ammo, I need you to clean the toilet.””Can I buy some ammo for my .22 then?”She actually falls into what I considered the pre-requisites for a wife.  She is really hot, smart (almost too smart), really hot, and likes watching UFC.  The first time she fired my Rock River AR-15, she emptied all 30 rounds very quickly, pulled the trigger a few more times, then turned around to me and smiled.  Yeah, that’s F#ckin’ awesome. Anyway, her birthday or mothers day, or Christmas is coming up soon so this is a tribute to her and all the uber sexy ladies who were tricked into matrimony with husbands like me.  For all of you not-so-lucky individuals who either got the wrong woman pregnant or settled for the first woman you had sex with, I offer you a heartfelt apology.  However, you can sleep well at night knowing that I married a sex goddess and you can just wonder what that entails.  Some of you may be saying, “That’s horrible to talk about your wife and mother of your children in that manner.”Let me assure you firstly that I am a spiritual person and secondly that I am not a Christian so I don’t see sex as something sinful or shameful (see previous post on the subject).  My wife is hot and that is that.  She is also a fantastic cook and got me several different types of ammo for my shotgun this last Christmas. This is simply a good opportunity for all of you single guys out there to realize your true potential of landing a smoking hot slice of heaven like my wife.  On the other hand if you married the creature from the black lagoon, just listen to and follow the advice from folk rocker Steven Stills in his 1970 hit song Love the One You’re With.  So, If you can’t find love honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with. . .doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo.

Is There Such Thing as Too Much Gun?

This is my personal carry defense weapon

Nope.  There are varying degrees of philosophical thought when it comes to firearms.  Some believe that guns are only an instrument of violence and should be irradicated from existence, so as to not further war and such.  Others feel that not only are they useful tools for many different applications, but they are F_CKIN’ awesome as well.  It is my belief that every man woman and child should be allowed to own a firearm and that there is in fact NO such thing as too much gun.  While frequenting gun forums, many questions arise as to what firearms (or calibers if you will) are sufficient enough to take down (fill in the blank) animal.  If you encounter a 12′ tall, 5 ton grizzly while hunting rabbits and only brought a .22 lr, you could try scaring it by screaming or even pumping a couple of your BB’s into it but that grizzly is going to use your gun as a toothpick after eating you.  It doesn’t matter what you brought really, unless you happened to bring your Barrett M84A1 chambered in 5o BMG.  Since that is the gun you would take to hunt dinosaurs, it will certainly be ‘sufficient’ for taking down anything you encounter in the wilderness, including rabbits and deer.

Urban style combat is slightly different, but not much.  During a break-in situation, you really want to have your bases covered.  I prefer a Mossberg 590A1 (shown in picture above) with 3″ slugs because that’s all I can afford.  Believe me, if I had a Class III FFL and $500,000 laying around I would get a Dylan Aero (shown in picture below)with a million rounds or so, and have a Barrett M84A1 with depleted uranium rounds as backup.  Someone breaks into your house, all your family members know to get down on the floor when you shout the secret code word, and you spray several hundred thousand rounds of .308 ammo in a 360 degree pattern.  Nothing will survive, probably not even your neighbors.  The Barrett is just in case the perpetrator understood when you yelled ‘get down’ and made it out to his now swiss cheese car and is getting away.  The depleted uranium rounds will go through his car, him, and his engine block allowing you to safely alert the authorities as to what transpired.

The main point is to make sure to have enough gun to get the job done.  If you can find it and afford it, buy it, and I gaurantee you will be able to use it.  Don’t ever get caught with your pants down, ever! If you have the money, you should have a Dylan Aero, Barrett M84A1, the Pfeiffer Zeliska .600 nitro mag, and a Mossberg 590A1.  There is your tactical rifle, hunting rifle, handgun, and shotgun combo for any situation, and the next time you get on a forum and people are him’n and haw’n about what gun is sufficient to take down a deer, you can say with pride, “any one of my guns”.

Big Money Tips for Hard Economic Times

The Picture Was ‘Mexico Drug Money’

Do you want to make more money. . .sure we all do! Sally Struthers is not the only person who can help you.  When it comes to big money making schemes I am a mastermind genius so you cannot afford to not read this.  Just recently, I realized that so many people could be reaping the harvest of my fantastic ideas so I decided to compile a list of some of the biggest money makers in no particular order.  Now mind you, I am not a lawyer so all of the legalities have not been hammered out so move forward at your own risk.

1.  Get written into a rich person’s Last Will and Testament-  There are plenty of rich people in the world and some of them have no aire to carry on their family name.  If you have an already established family, you can put an add on www.craigslist.org or some other networking site.  The key is to appeal to the passing down of the lineage and you really have to make yourself appear stingy so that the old codger believes you will horde the money just as tenaciously as she has.  Throw in the extra that every family member will have their name changed to reflect the family lineage (first and last if necessary).  Really shoot for the stars on this one and make sure that after you get the wealthy person to bequeath every penny to you, make sure you find the Bush family’s banker so you don’t have to pay inheritance tax.  Whatever you do, don’t try and off them and make it look like an accident.  Just like the movies, you will get caught, go to jail, and will not collect anything for passing go.

2. Donate a Kidney- This is my personal favorite and my wife won’t let me do it.  When a person’s kidneys fail they have to go on dialysis for the rest of their life (which kind of sucks). As with any transplant, there is a waiting list (yes even for the rich) which was bypassed for Mickey Mantle who ended up having a secondary cancer that was accelerated by the steriods that kept his body from rejecting the liver and he died shortly after the procedure.  Find a rich person who needs a kidney and tell them you will donate it in exchange for a gift of money.  Selling organs is illegal because otherwise there would be organ theft left and right just like in Mexico.  So. . .it needs to be situated as a gift and make sure you find a banker who is good at loopholes so you don’t need to pay taxes on your gift.  Me personally, I would ask for $10 million.  Use your own discrestion and remember not to short change yourself because after you get rid of a Kidney, you only have one.  The key here is finding a doctor who will do the procedure under the table.  For the love of god, do not donate your heart. . .YOU WILL DIE!

3.  Start your own cult- Wear some clothing that denotes you are enlightened, speak very softly to get people to listen.  Study some religions intently, take the best ideas, put a small twist on them and make them your own.  Don’t let people live on your land in a commune because intentional communities always get on the federal government’s radar and eventually raided and dismantled.  When you take ‘donations’ get them in cash and keep the cash in a large gun safe so you don’t have to report anything to the IRS.  You have to get really ethereal with people and make them think you are actually providing them with spiritual insight.

Here are some ideas and there are plenty more.  On the really illegal side you can start a drug cartel, start your own ponzi scheme, or get a job in a toll booth and pocket the money.  The sky is the limit and after that it is up to you to decide what you are willing to do to be rich.

Marijuana. . .Savior!

I am a big proponent of legalization of marijuana and hemp.  Marijuana has many medical uses that could potentially put some drug companies out of business and hemp is so multi-faceted that many textile industries would be put out of business.  The real questions are why is this plant illegal? and why should we make it legal again?

In 1988 the FDA conducted a study on marijuana and concluded that Tetra-hydra-cannibanol is “the safest, thereaputic substance known to man.” It has been proven to relieve symptoms of glaucoma, chemo-therapy, anxiety, nausea, and a laundry list of other symptoms.  This plant is not like the coca plant which is used to make cocaine.  The coca plant needs to be processed with chemicals in order to make cocaine but marijuana comes standard with THC.  Back in the early twentieth century, much propaganda arose pertaining to the use of marijuana.  A smear campaign which posed the threat of black men smoking marijuana and raping white women.  I am not kidding.  Then, ‘Reefer Madness’ (which is f-ing hilarious by the way) furthered the propaganda that the plant makes people go crazy and commit murder and rape.  Coincidentally, this is around the time that people like J.D. Rockefeller, J.P. Morgan, Dale Carnegie, and William Randolf Hearst were making TALL money on resources and all of them had some coin to toss at politicians.  If you look at the industries these people controlled, it is no wonder they wanted marijuana made illegal, because it makes people feel good, it helps ease many ailments, and it makes people think! If people are to be ruled they cannot be given more money than they need, they cannot know that they are being ‘ruled’; and in order to do this they cannot think for themselves.  So just like the slaves in the days of old, we were given our alcohol back and two days off on the weekend so we could drink ourselves into a stupor in order to forget how shitty our system is.

Then in one fell swoop, hemp was made illegal as well because. . .it is. . .the same plant. . .and. . .threatened Hearst logging industry.  That’s right, the billionaire publisher was smart and cut down his own trees so he would’t have to pay anyone else for paper and when he realized that hemp can make paper for one quarter of the price it costs to cut down trees, he had his politician friends put hemp on the bill as well.   Imagine that, a plant that is a ‘weed’ and grows like wildfire, that would negate our deforestation for paper and cotton fields for making clothes, rope and other textiles.   George Washington grew hemp as a cash crop but if you grow it in your yard to make clothing or anything else, you are at risk of arrest and losing your home.  Did I mention that the THC in hemp (the male plant) is just as neglegible as the alcohol content in a non-alcoholic beer? Did I also mention that as a weed it grows very quickly (as in a couple months) which negates having to cut down trees?

Follow the money and you will see why this plant is illegal.  Billion dollar industries would collapse overnight, including but not limited to the logging industry, medical industry, and other textiles.  The American Medical Association recently conducted a study on casual marijuana use that indicated up to one join per day would “not affect the function of your lungs [and] evidence points to slight increases in airflow rates and increases in lung volume with casual marijuana use.”   According to government surveys, approximatley 100 million americans have used marijuana, 25 million have used it within the last year, and some 14 million use it regularly.  If hemp makes clothing and paper cheaper without having to cut down trees that take decades to grow back, and marijuana has been declared safe by medical and government institutions; then why are they illegal?

I get really angry when I think of how we have been blinded and led astray in so many ways by the very people who we elect, who take comps from wealthy corporations in order to keep us docile and stupid.  Just imagine a self policing world.  Imagine going into your back yard to tend to your garden while puffing on a joint and picking fresh vegetables for dinner.  Imagine growing hemp in your yard that a local company purchases from you to make clothing, food products and paper.  Imagine our constitution maintained as it was intended.  I am pissed off and if you are not after reading this then you are still asleep. . .good little sheep.  Baaaaa.

Best Search Engine Phrases That Directed You to My Site

We bloggers are privvy to some pretty cool stuff.  We can see how many people looked at what pages and what country the people are from. Every so often (okay, every day) I peruse my stats page to see if anybody is actually reading my posts.   One of my favorites is search engine terms used to find my website.  Some of the terms share uncanny similarities to the verbage in my blogs and others are just downright hilarious.  For instance ‘mayan calendar BS’ and ‘marijuana antichrist’ are not only titles of previous blogs that derived from deep in the annals of my mind, but also terms that someone somewhere entered into a search engine.  I’ve compiled a small list of what I consider to be the ‘most interesting’ phrases used in a search engine and led them to my site.

1.  “Medieval Sex”- I don’t even know what content on my website would be associated with this or more to the point what the hell someone is actually trying to search for with this word combination, but it sure is imaginitive.

2.  “Weed and Antichrist”- Don’t you know these two are synonomous? Marijuana was made illegal specifically to quell the coming of the very facilitator of a biblical apocalypse.  Seriously, stop smoking the devil’s crop!

3.  “Where is American Eagle Clothing Made, Sweat Shops”-  Bwahahahahahahaha.

4.  “Philip Mackey Oil”-  This is great! Is someone searching for my all-in-one massage/sex/gun lube oil? or are they searching for the oil extracted from my baby harp seal-like skin?

5.  “Amarica vs Chaina”-  Ordinarily, Google would probably have a line that said ‘LOL, did you mean America vs. China’, but it actually directed this individual to a page on my website.  What does that say about me?

6.  “Red Neck Wife Ciggarette Blowjob”- I am no match for ‘redneck ingenuity’, as this far exceeds any obscure phrase I have ever summoned for a search engine.  Upon reading this initially I laughed out loud until realizing the vast superiority of creativity that red necks enjoy, and my complete and utter ineptitude.  This made me ball into a fetal position under the table while sobbing uncontrollably.

‘medieval sex’ landed me this old bit of vintage porn

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