You Didn’t Grow Up in the 80’s
Ah, the 80’s. While looking cheerfully upon that time period I remember that everything was cool. It didn’t matter what you wore, what your hair looked like or what music you listened to; you were still cool. Everything was cool. There is a rule of thumb apparently that in order to have grown up in the 80’s you needed to have been a teenager at the time. Occasionally I meet people and have the proverbial ’80’s’ conversation and every now and then I meet someone who is just a bit older than me and during this conversation I am always asked when I was born to which I respond, “1978.”
“You didn’t really grow up in the 80’s.”
“What do you mean?” I scoff.
“You had to have been in high school to have grown up in the 80’s.”
“I’m sorry. You clearly have the wrong impression about me. Just because I wasn’t a 19 year old with a multi-colored 79 Camaro with T-tops, a 12 year old girfriend and a penchant for blow, doesn’t mean I didn’t grow up in the 80’s,” I assert.
“That’s not it at all. You just don’t understand because you. . .You didn’t have any siblings either? No, you didn’t grow up in the 80’s.”
“What the fuck? My parents took me to see ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ in theaters when I was 3 years old. I watched A-Team, He-Man, Gremlins, Transformers, ALF and loved watching breakdancing. I can remember when MTV was first on air and when Michael Jackson’s Thriller first came out. My cousins and I all had cut off T-shirts and the gloves with the fingers cut off and the mesh on the back side. WE HAD FEATHERED HAIR!” I retort not so calmly.
“I bet you didn’t go to any concerts in the 80’s.”
“No, I was too busy eating Count Chocula, drinking Kool Aid when it was Kool, playing with Enertech squirt guns, and riding my big wheels around. So what decade did I grow up in then? What is the cutoff? And when were you born?” I ask.
Suffering from some latent cocaine induced psychosis, this individual and many like him have argued with me that I was not in fact a product of the 80’s. As a result, I have theorized that many individuals suffered 80’s overindulgence and were not able make any forward mental progress from the decade. They changed their hairstyles and clothes to avoid ridicule but one factor remains. They actually grew up in the 80’s. Bystanders such as myself are to eternally suffer the pang of never having had a decade to call our own. I am stuck in a decade purgatory with noboby to commisterate and my wife is 6 years younger than me so she doesn’t even like the 80’s. Of course, she was born in 84′ which is sort of the halfway point but she had a brother and sister who were in high school at the time. Also, anyone who grew up in Rockford, IL knows that the 80’s carried well into the 90’s so according to some of the 80’s officals, my wife did in fact grow up in the 80’s, but not me. Petitioning the 80’s board is my next course of action, otherwise it is apparent that I grew up in the 90’s, which I don’t remember much of due to copious amounts of marijuana and alcohol.